- To the doo-doo head who stole one pumpkin, smashed one, and placed the third on a neighbor’s porch, you suck and, well, you suck.
- To horrible people everywhere: you also suck and I hope you stop hurting other people.
- To my darling daughters, who I love and adore with all my heart: GREAT JOB USING THE POTTY! You are saving us so much money now that you only use diapers for nighty night time. I am so impressed with your focus and intelligence approaching this potentially difficult but life changing task. I am sooo proud of you. You do not suck, but I gotta say, you two girls work me harder than I’ve ever been worked in my life.
- To my own lack of discipline focusing on important projects: just wait till I have 2.5 hours, three morning per week. You’re gonna get it.
- To Michelle Obama: where’s my dang job?
- To the cats in my house: shut up and stop begging for food. If you’d let the girls pet you, you’d have plenty of attention. Stop stealing my dinner off my plate. That goes for you, too, ladies. Cut it out.
- To my musical instruments, specifically my cute red bass guitar, sitting untouched for months in my basement, I am sorry. You deserve better. I wrote you a song, but it is hard to get downstairs to get you to accompany me. I will try harder.
- To the evening: I want two cocktails with no hangover.