To the doo-doo head who stole one pumpkin, smashed one, and placed the third on a neighbor’s porch, you suck and, well, you suck.
To horrible people everywhere: you also suck and I hope you stop hurting other people.
To my darling daughters, who I love and adore with all my heart: GREAT JOB USING THE POTTY! You are saving us so much money now that you only use diapers for nighty night time. I am so impressed with your focus and intelligence approaching this potentially difficult but life changing task. I am sooo proud of you. You do not suck, but I gotta say, you two girls work me harder than I’ve ever been worked in my life.
To my own lack of discipline focusing on important projects: just wait till I have 2.5 hours, three morning per week. You’re gonna get it.
To Michelle Obama: where’s my dang job?
To the cats in my house: shut up and stop begging for food. If you’d let the girls pet you, you’d have plenty of attention. Stop stealing my dinner off my plate. That goes for you, too, ladies. Cut it out.
To my musical instruments, specifically my cute red bass guitar, sitting untouched for months in my basement, I am sorry. You deserve better. I wrote you a song, but it is hard to get downstairs to get you to accompany me. I will try harder.
To the evening: I want two cocktails with no hangover.
Man, that really stinks about the pumpkins! Why’s it gotta be that way? What do people have against gourds and squashes? What a colossal disappointment. The whole health care debate has made me see that people share nothing. There is no common humanity, we are not
“all pretty much the same on the inside.” Pumpkin assault just fuels my pessimism.
Love the list. LOVE the “You do not suck, but I gotta say, you two girls work me harder than I’ve ever been worked in my life.” And the cat-hatin’. Man, I hate me some cats in my house lately. Mine cry to go outside, which they have never done in their lives while I’m in charge. Spouse thinks you can prop doors open and instruct cats not to go out. Come to think of it, I’m kind of anti-Spouse lately, too…
20 Fingers, 20 Toes 
Man, that really stinks about the pumpkins! Why’s it gotta be that way? What do people have against gourds and squashes? What a colossal disappointment. The whole health care debate has made me see that people share nothing. There is no common humanity, we are not
“all pretty much the same on the inside.” Pumpkin assault just fuels my pessimism.
People, meh.
Love the list. LOVE the “You do not suck, but I gotta say, you two girls work me harder than I’ve ever been worked in my life.” And the cat-hatin’. Man, I hate me some cats in my house lately. Mine cry to go outside, which they have never done in their lives while I’m in charge. Spouse thinks you can prop doors open and instruct cats not to go out. Come to think of it, I’m kind of anti-Spouse lately, too…