I fucking hate the neti. Everyone rants and raves about how great it is: cleans out your sinuses! irrigates your nasal passages! clears out dust and debris left behind by the construction crew… wha? Well ya know what? It doesn’t do shit for me. In fact, it has burned my sinuses (no I didn’t have it too hot, no there wasn’t too much salt, yes the salt was dissolved, yes I tried it without salt, too…), made me cry for fucks sake! I don’t need help in that department, thanks. Mothers cry for no reason and every reason. The stupid water drained out of one nostril, but when I did the other side nothing came out so my poor head filled up with warm saline water and it freaking hurt! I hate the feeling of being pummelled by the ocean, all the salty-seaweed ocean water trying to drown me, and from what I can tell, this is no different.
I’m trying to get over the thousandth cold of the winter season over here, and was hoping to find some relief from the neti pot my husband loves. Well, I don’t love it. Maybe I am doing something wrong, I don’t know. I don’t want advice on how to use it. I don’t want sympathy. I just needed to whine about this because I feel sick and my head is pounding and having random pots full of water swishing in my sinus cavities is not helping the situation. I want the happy, moist sinus feeling everyone else but me gets from this voluntary water torture.
ODB (Ol’ Dirty Bastard) once proclaimed in his hip-hop classic ‘Nigga Please’, “…I’m immune to all viruses, I get the cocaine it cleans out my sinuses“. Now, as a fairly responsible parent, my use of illegal drugs/medication must be kept at a minimum. And I really hate people when they’re on coke. Bleeeech! But my hatred for the neti may change that… THE NETI POT MADE ME DO DRUGS!
I’m not thinking clearly. My eightieth cup of tea hasn’t quite quelled the itch in my throat, my no payoff neti hasn’t helped my head congestion, and the acetaminophen I took for my headache is only half working. It is almost 4:30 p.m. so I still have to wait for 3.5 hours until I can take a teaspoon full of my cough medicine. And I will be taking a dose of my cough medicine tonight, I’ll tell you what. Try to stop me. I’ll pop a neti pot in yer arse.