Neti pots can suck it!

neti
damned neti pot.

I fucking hate the neti. Everyone rants and raves about how great it is: cleans out your sinuses! irrigates your nasal passages! clears out dust and debris left behind by the construction crew… wha? Well ya know what? It doesn’t do shit for me. In fact, it has burned my sinuses (no I didn’t have it too hot, no there wasn’t too much salt, yes the salt was dissolved, yes I tried it without salt, too…), made me cry for fucks sake! I don’t need help in that department, thanks. Mothers cry for no reason and every reason. The stupid water drained out of one nostril, but when I did the other side nothing came out so my poor head filled up with warm saline water and it freaking hurt! I hate the feeling of being pummelled by the ocean, all the salty-seaweed ocean water trying to drown me, and from what I can tell, this is no different.

I’m trying to get over the thousandth cold of the winter season over here, and was hoping to find some relief from the neti pot my husband loves. Well, I don’t love it. Maybe I am doing something wrong, I don’t know. I don’t want advice on how to use it. I don’t want sympathy. I just needed to whine about this because I feel sick and my head is pounding and having random pots full of water swishing in my sinus cavities is not helping the situation. I want the happy, moist sinus feeling everyone else but me gets from this voluntary water torture.

ODB (Ol’ Dirty Bastard) once proclaimed in his hip-hop classic ‘Nigga Please’,  “…I’m immune to all viruses, I get the cocaine it cleans out my sinuses“. Now, as a fairly responsible parent, my use of illegal drugs/medication must be kept at a minimum. And I really hate people when they’re on coke. Bleeeech! But my hatred for the neti may change that… THE NETI POT MADE ME DO DRUGS!

I’m not thinking clearly. My eightieth cup of tea hasn’t quite quelled the itch in my throat, my no payoff neti hasn’t helped my head congestion, and the acetaminophen I took for my headache is only half working. It is almost 4:30 p.m. so I still have to wait for 3.5 hours until I can take a teaspoon full of my cough medicine. And I will be taking a dose of my cough medicine tonight, I’ll tell you what. Try to stop me. I’ll pop a neti pot in yer arse.

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5 thoughts on “Neti pots can suck it!

  1. ok, mami, i won’t mention how much i love the neti pot, but just offer a tip on getting that stuff out of your head once it’s in there. try bending over at the waist and tipping your head around — gently, cause if you’re already swoony with the sinus infection, you’ll get full-on vertigo if you move too fast. should let the water find a route out of your sinuses. just keep blowing and tipping and hopefully you’ll dry up soon, but it’s not good to let the water set up in there for too long. sorry you’re feeling so badly. xo

  2. The peeps who don’t share your hate for the neti can suck it, too. Yo, dudes, pouring water into your nose is wrong. Blowing water out of your nose is okay. Heating up the air with some water and hoping it settles into your sinuses is loverly. Like a Hawaiian trip but without the air travel. But dumping a small teapot full of salty water into facial holes is wrong. Wrong, wrong, borderline Snuggie wrong.

  3. Randomly stumbled upon this when I searched that ODB line. Awesome, I can’t stand Neti pots either; I had a friend who would just push the neti like it was magic- I have a grocery bag full of the tissues I have filled up in the last day but I refuse to use the neti. Shame on you when you step through to the Old Dirty Bastard. Brooklyn zoo!

  4. When you use the Neti pot, DO NOT INHALE THE WATER! it could get stuck in your lungs, and the salt will wreak MASSIVE havoc on your lungs, and could kill you. if you want to use the Neti pot properly, find a video made by REAL professionals. Don’t take advice from a popular internet star. (like Charles Trippy) Try to find someone with proven skill in the medical field.
    You’re not supposed to lean back when using it either. You have to lean over the sink with your head tilted 80 degrees in either direction, make sure your airways are –Closed– before pouring, and also make ABSOLUTE sure the water you have is as pure as possible; if not, you could get a nasty infection.

    Bring the water to a boil, (that kills the bacteria) add 2 tbsp of salt, make the water as lukewarm as possible, fill the Neti pot with your saline solution, tilt your head over the sink, (and slightly forward, so it doesn’t get in your lungs by accident) and start pouring.

    Oh and a little tip, NEVER whine on the internet! Not only are you looking like an idiot, but you are building up too much frustration. e.g: When you see someone telling you, via the web, that “U need 2 gt a lyfe!!1!usuk”, You can’t release the anger on him right away; therefore, you save your anger for later, causing random episodes for no apparent reasons, usually over small arguments. I’m not sympathizing with you, i’m simply giving moral advice. See ya.

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