Dont’ get me wrong. My darlings give me plenty of hope for the future. Their future. I have every confidence that they will continue to flourish socially and intellectually in their lives. Truly I do. But right now I’m talkin’ bout my future. I don’t feel the need to live vicariously through my children one little bit. I have had a great time, for the most part, so far in this life and all I can do is hope they get to have as much fun as I’ve had the opportunity to have. I will do whatever is in my power to help them out with that.
1.5 hours of solitude manifesto
- don’t waste too much, or any, of your time cleaning or doing housework, or preparing food for other people
- drink two cups of coffee
- take photographs of anything
- eat something that takes little preparation
- check emails
- stare out the window
- listen to the wind chimes and bird sounds float through the air
- listen to the wind and the leaves blowing on the trees
- don’t talk on the phone
- don’t spend it all on the computer
This morning was a real bitch. Beenie went from pleasant to wild fucking crazy-ass full throttle tantrum because I wiped the snot off her nose with a damp washcloth. Was that wrong? She acted like I punched her in the face. Writhing, screaming, pure tantrum wonder. I wouldn’t have minded too much if we hadn’t been trying to get out the door to school. Mimi, luckily, was 100% on board, already dressed, in a very pleasant mood. She was good to go, and Beenie refused to put anything on. The clothes she picked out to wear were suddenly no good. So I held her down and dressed her as she snotted and squirmed and screeched — pants, socks, shoes, shirt, jacket. Being fought the whole way. I am disturbed by this in many ways, especially because I want them to have non-traumatic associations getting ready and out the door in the morning to go to school. I need this to be uneventful and kind of fun. Oh well. I guess it can’t all be whine and roses, eh? I strapped her into her car seat, still howling and now completely covered in snot. Mimi climbed in and smiled. She could have cared less Beenie was throwing a fit. Funny child. Got ’em to school on time, somehow, and then it was as if nothing horrible had happened. Beenie used the potty when we got there, I got their jackets hung up in the cubby hole, Beenie sought me out to give me a kiss goodbye, I kissed Mimi and here I am, at home. It all changes so quickly, the emergency of things. I have a half-hour left. I’m gonna draw something.