Dreams

My painting mascot "Turtle", who lives in every art making space I have inhabited since he was given to me by an old friend from high school. He is currently looking out the window in my garage painting studio that I have no time to actually paint in. I, too, am looking out that window, waiting for the million dollar check to arrive. I have waited a long time...

I had a dream yesterday morning and it has stayed with me today — full-time, well off, nationally and internationally appreciated artist. I know, I know, it is not a realistic dream, but you can’t control your dreams, you can just have them and then become obsessed with them as I have here. Maybe the dream is even more poniant to me because our current financial situation is so very inflexible. I’m guessing we are not alone in this, the whole country seems to be in a miserable mire of financial disaster. And our situation is not dire, just inflexible, like I said. There is no extra money for anything. Money is paid, money is spent. Mostly on food. Mortgage. And our mortgage is dirt cheap — almost the same as someone’s rent in Baltimore. But it doesn’t matter, because we have two children and they eat tons of food and we eat food and drink drinks and wear clothes and drive cars. Super middle class. Hyper middle class. Stay-at-home wife with kids, breadwinner dad. I can’t say that I could have ever pictured my life as it is now. Not working? I can see not working much, because, well, I don’t like to work much. But I also have not needed much in terms of ‘things’ in the past. Had cheap apartments, had a cheap crappy car, didn’t buy much food, didn’t buy much of anything. Money went to art projects and supplies, video stuff, travel to visit friends far away. Then suddenly I was married, then a few years later I had babies. And here I am. You’ve heard the sob story before. Not glamorous, but certainly not homeless or for want. Just stagnant. Except for the girls, who are always changing and doing crazy stuff every day. But my life is stagnant. But this time next year, I’ll be back in the work force, what there is left of it, assuming I can even find a job, and the girls will be doing their thing in pre-school, and this particular brand of stagnancy will be over. So shut up and make the best of it.

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