FOUR

How in tarnation did my daughters turn four? Has it really been four years since I shoved them out from my nether regions? Bedrest seems so far away now. Miscarriages seem like a small, teenie tiny, dark memory, a blip. Which is literally what those miscarriages were, blips. But holy Moses, they seemed like the end of the MF world five years ago. I truly thought I would die from misery. But I didn’t. And here we are.

Beenie has been saying things to me like, “Mama, Mimi was not very nice to me today, ” and I know she means it. Mimi has become some kind of crazed whirling dervish, even more of a tease to her sister than before. She LIVES to fuck with Beenie. I am tired of yelling at her. Time out sort of works for a few hours, in that separating her from the heinous act she is preforming is like a personality re-boot sometimes. She forgets her animal desire to harass. Then she manages to get right back on the horse. Mimi is not, however, pure evil. She has sublime moments of pure goodness and light, kissing me, telling me she loves me and rubbing her sister’s back and kissing her too, but Beenie has been tortured so much in the past months that she can’t relax and enjoy Mimi’s love. Who can blame her? Beenie actually bit Mimi’s back today, which is something she has not done in probably over a year. Nothing makes me more furious than that, but luckily I was not home to witness such an atrocity. Granny gave Beenie the disappointment speech I woulda handed out. She was probably nicer about it. Beenie respects my mom, so maybe she’ll never go there again. Nobody likes a four year old shark.

I have really not worked at my job in a few weeks. Well, the week before last I was in 3.5 hours. But that’s about it. Last week nothing. I miss the money. And the idea that someone other than my family needs me. Luckily there is a bit of work coming up this week so I’ll try to find the work clothes I have and hope they’re still clean. I have lots of other ideas about what I want to do during working hours, but until I can really sink my teeth into a big creative project, I will be content with some web production work, which has its own meditative aspects I can groove on.

Girls went down by 9 tonight, which is a goddam blessing. I’m exhausted. This birthday weekend was long, but precious. I am so happy to have such wild, smart, beautiful daughters. I need to find my fall scotch bottle. Autumn has arrived in Baltimore. The nip in the air needs some tonic.