Selfie

peaches and handI’ve been doing a little thinking. Only a little, don’t worry. About a lot of things. About this space here. About why I started writing like this and so publicly. It started out of necessity. To find some kind of community in a particularly alienated-feeling time of life.

20/20 ended up being such a great way to process becoming a parent to two people at once, to weather the mania and magic of toddlers, to watch the rubble of my old identity tumble to the ground and then, miraculously reassemble in some freaky, adultish way. This, here, just made sense.

I am not completely sure it still makes sense in its current state, as the basic premise for starting it has gone. I am no longer alone with these tiny babies, I’m now working a full-time job and hanging out, doing homework, making art and music with my insane seven year old daughters. It no longer seems right to talk about them or even my interactions with them the closer they become to actual humans — wait! I think they are actual humans. It seems not right in the same ways it doesn’t seem right to put pictures of them on the Interwebs. They have as much right to privacy as anyone else — more even — because they don’t know about the rotten things that can happen with their personal bitness online for review. Nope, not interested.

Do you see my conundrum?

If 20/20 isn’t about twin toddlers and their exhausted mother’s struggle to hold her shit together while also trying to be a creative person and connect with humanity, then what the eff is it about?

Who Made God?

geometric diagram20/20 land is vast. Mimi and Beenie are almost 6 1/2. It pleases me greatly that my daughters are actually doing math on their own adorable twenty fingers and twenty toes. This month marks five years since those digits inspired/drove me to start writing about this parental experience.

February is quite gray this year. Its always the longest stretch, isn’t it? That last six weeks of winter. Reminds me a bit of living in Chicago, this winter. Except it hasn’t been too cold or snowy, but shit its been gray. Gray and then gray. Even Beenie commented on “another cloudy day”, that she missed the sun. I concur. She is full of complicated questions, that one. Earlier today she had me look up “Who made God” on the Internet. I still see it in the Google search field on the upper right of my browser window. There were many results for our search, and the discussion that followed was similar to other ones we have on the origin of God and whether or not God has a gender. Beenie is a scientist, and goes about building her God theory logically. I wish I had more definitive answers for her, but my replies are always the same… I don’t know. Some people think this, and other people think that, and I am pretty sure that God is a part of everything and every person. That there are lots of people that think they know about God, but the reality is, nobody knows anything. The greatest part of the discussion is that she doesn’t get freaked out by my lack of conviction — in fact, she seems perfectly content to add it to her research on the subject and then move on. I love that she thought the Internet would have the answer, and why wouldn’t she? You can find an answer to any question in this strangely familiar place. Maybe the Internet is God. Did God make the Internet?